We are just friends, OK - Lovina told me. I was not getting the point and looking at her with a blank glance. We were friends for long time, I was missing the point she was making. She looks different today - seems very close yet very far.
We are close friends since our high school days. We were very close, our friends tease us as love birds. I love her, I believe she loves me too. She said once she does.
She was getting changed in front of me. She was growing up, she was becoming more and more beautiful each day. Her wavy hairs started shining more, her voice became softer and sweeter, her body was becoming angelic, I don't what exactly it is but something thats different, something that I am afraid to touch. I cant touch her as casually as I used to do it earlier. I wonder about the mysterious and magical curves curving in her. She is beautiful, she is mine. I AM HAPPY.
I was looking at her eyes, it is different from before. Its deeper, it has something in it. I always liked her eyes and loved to look at it for long. Today I see a different depth in her eyes. Very deep, very bright, and something in it I don't know. All new. Its more beautiful, wider, deeper. I was looking at her eyes. I was not able to take it off. She was mysterious, she smiled naughtily after a while and asked what I was looking there. I said she looked beautiful. Hmm - she said. 'I am not new to you'. I don't know - I said. 'But you look more beautiful than before now'. I held her hands and looking even deeper at her eyes. A long pause - we ended up kissing each other, it was the first time I kissed her on her lips, like her deeper meaningful eyes, this kiss was also deep, for the first time. We were 19. I WAS HAPPY.
What do you mean by just friends? - I asked. See we are friends for long time - she said. 'I must tell you first that I am in love'. I know it whats new - I thought, and looked at her eyes wondering to find whats new. Jay loves me too - she broke the paused moments. What - I asked in a shrill tone. See, you are my good friend and we will remain friends forever - she said in a sympathetic voice. I ignored what she said, I could not follow and asked - 'why you are doing this to me? you know how much I love you. And don't you love me?'. She looked down, and then slowly raised her face and said - Anish, you don't know what love is. 'We did not even date!' She left. CAN I BE HAPPY?
I was hurt. My love was hurt, my ego was hurt. Suddenly I found I don't like anything I do. I don't find meaning of doing anything. But in few months time it was close to normal with a deep down pain of losing something forever. Lovina was dating Jay - frequency was increasing. I am happy if she is happy. I don't know what is love, was giving me a sense of identity crisis. I don't know what is love - really? What was the feeling for her then? I waited for her always to join me in the park, I always brought her foods, whenever my mother used to make something special. I wished her always for every special day. Though I was forgetful and used to forget almost every time about all special day. She knew it and she had special way to remind me about that. This is not love - I had no clue. I did not buy the idea of just friends somehow, I did not like the constrained scope of a big thing. I hated the word. I avoided every possible contact with her. I was busy finding the definition of love. I finally found it at the age of 21. I was just out of college. I met one girl and asked for a date. Dated her for few months. Departed till I felt I have nothing more to discover in her. Her body does not excite me anymore. I did not feel any more attraction towards her -we are done in this relationship. After some minor emotional battle we found our own ways. I continued discovering love and discovered many loves. Different shape of love, different smells of love, different sizes of love, different styles of love, different ways of love. Love and love making. This is the love I think I did not know when Lovina left me. Would she leave if I knew in this way. Shit - what I am thinking. I don't want to go back to the old loop. I AM HAPPY again. AM I HAPPY?
Shilpi came much later when I was 24. She was not the type I was looking for. She was not hot that can make me rocking. She was just very beautiful and pretty. I ignored this good types. I had no interest in these girls. I was ignoring. I was then waiting for her to see her for a glance. I was then not able to spend a day without seeing her. I stopped getting the excitement of finding definition of love. I did not feel an urge to respond to my then hot date Tanvi's invitation. What's going on dear. I don't want to go to same loop of backdated love again. I don't want to be hurt. I resisted myself to see Shilpi. For couple of days I managed to refrain myself. I saw her again. I felt to tell her my story - I told her. We were getting closer. I started getting the same old beautiful smell, the magic of shining hairs, straight though this time, deep meaningful eyes, I was attracted. She became my friend, JUST FRIEND. One day I found we were standing close with my eyes deep on hers. She touched my arms. I held her at her waist. I was dipping in her eyes more, with increasingly wider eyes I was losing myself somewhere I never felt. She appeared to me as an angel, her fuller lips ignited a desire in me. Her curves enticed me. But this is different than what I felt for Tanvi and other girls. I was discovering something in me rather than in her. I was feeling I am holding a girl I like, I am afraid to say it is love, I don't know the meaning yet. I was holding her with my eyes locked. I was holding - a feeling came through - my woman. I was holding somebody I like, I want to love, I want to be with, I want her everything. My woman. A feeling getting stronger. My woman - a concept was taking shape. My woman - a love was growing. She touched my arms and resonated my feeling. She said - I am yours forever if you want. I was not believing my ears. Yours forever. I paused, tears came along. I managed. Men don't cry. I tried to manage. I could somewhat. I said - I love you Shilpi. She looked away. I said say nothing. We embraced each other, a feeling was growing and passion was growing, I was feeling a woman in my arms, lots of love out there, mu woman. It was breaking the barrier of just friends - the term I hated always. We crossed it. We crossed the boundary of 'just' and jumped into boundless ocean busy catching up with life. Is this love?